So I had been single for a while slash eternity and talked about wanting a partner but didn’t actually do anything about it, like Prince Charming was going to be the Amazon delivery man…
When I go out with my friends I am having such a good time I’m oblivious to what is going on around me unless it’s a man wearing trainers that are too small, a child that is far too big to be in a pushchair with their feet dragging along the pavement or the wind revealing people’s tracks…BUT if there is a hottie I either miss him totally or act the fool and avoid all eye contact and general normal human interaction. Meanwhile one of my friends would have smiled, flicked her hair and sustained enough eye contact for a guy to feel invited.
What happened to the good old days of the 90’s and 00’s when guys ran across the road to chirpse?? Or when you’d exchange numbers whilst standing in the queue or at the bar of Voodoo Magic / Twice as Nice / Roseberry’s / Samantha’s / Rampage at SW1 / Sun City / Coliseum / Oxgate Lane (all NW crew) / Maximus / Thunder & Joy / Rotation / 10 Rooms / Turnmills / Zen Garden / Hanover Grand… Soz reliving my youth 👯👯
Anyway a friend of mine started to use a well-known dating app, as the drought post 2010 is real. This friend is a boomie, grade A, back in the day she was nick named Jenny LoLo due to her resemblance to Jennifer Lopez plus she has a proper Bajan booty (similar to Ghana booty #punayambatty #bubblebutt etc). Not trying to sound insecure out here but she’s criss, she is classical beauty and that’s it. Anyway Jenny LoLo was having a whale of a time on this dating app and kept suggesting that I use it. I wasn’t keen… But after a few months of seeing her on endless dates then STEADY dating a guy that HAD potential I thought I’d give it a bash.
Ok so this app connects with your Facebook account, when I saw what it was trying to do I shut that shit down faster than a Simone Biles back flip!! I thought it was trying to hot me up on social media! I called my friend and she assured me that the app would not update my FB status with ‘looking man on an app’ 🙆🏿🙆🏿🙆🏿.
I joined… I swiped and I found that lots of men just want to chat online…bruh I hardly have time to chat to my friends online, I’m not here for telephone love.
I am impatient and also impulsive which may not be the best approach to meeting strangers online but, hey ho if the person knew the difference between ‘they’re’, ‘their’ and ‘there’ I figured that was a good start! 🙃🙃🙃🙃
My first date was with a man who had lots of bants and preferred to chat IRL. I told all my friends where I was going, screen shotted his picture and dropped a pin when I got to the meeting point, NO ONE has time to be murdered or stalked when trying to find an ‘ordinary boyfriend’ *insert generic West African accent*.
He was shorter than I expected, tbh he was just plain short. He was very funny and charismatic and was as nervous as I was in terms of meeting strangers for drinks. We both tried to make ourselves feel better by comparing it to meeting someone out and about. It’s similar but not the same.
He was of an Israeli background worked in finance and had a son. He did not make negative comments about the mother of his child, in fact stated that he had learned that he fucked up their relationship adding that he now knows if something feels right he should go for it and not hold back. Cool, sounds good. Then he ruined it by talking about his love for Black women BRUH I’M NOT HERE TO BE YOUR FETISH. I’m open to dating men that are not Black but am deffo not here for the BS. So that was that.
Another guy was ace on whatsapp and had similar musical taste. Music is really important to me so it is an instant cool point. He loved 90’s hip-hop and was a bit of an anorak which I found really interesting 🤔. He talked about groups like Stetasonic, EPMD, Jurassic 5 and other hip-hop groups my older cousins used to like. He also likes music by artists like Little Dragon and Quadron so despite making jokes about being short I thought I’d meet him.
SHORT. He made so many jokes about his height I should have known he was the size of an ant 🐜.
“But he’s got high hopes, he’s got high hopes. He’s got high apple pie in the sky hopes.”
Not me patna! I’m about 5’7″ I don’t know what he was and I don’t even wanna know!! I’m sure his feet were size 5, I know this sounds mighty superficial but he was also as nervous as heck and his breath smelled like Ramadan breath, it wasn’t Ramadan and he wasn’t Muslim so #boybai. If you are going to be short and move to taller women please be confident and brush your tongue, eat something, chew gum, whatever it takes.
Next guy, we had lots of things in common from jungle raves in the early/ mid nineties and progressing to garage but, always loving hip-hop and RnB. He loves trainers, bomber jackets and reading too! Similar thoughts on life, similar morals and spiritual beliefs. He loved the theatre, art galleries, museums and club nights where you can wear trainers. He was so cool (on paper) but something didn’t feel right… In the ‘it was nice to meet you text’ the next day he shared that he had a great time but realised he wasn’t over a break up from a few months ago and needed time… Me being me replied ‘why not just say you weren’t into me? That is cool’ … Sometimes I shouldn’t be so direct (many men find it scary… But why should I water myself down, make myself small?? I guess that’s a future blog post) in this case his ex turned out to be bipolar and therefore the ending was very difficult as it involved mental ill health 😬😩🙆🏿. If I could have rewound time and or have the ground eat me up I would have summoned the powers of all the ancestors and Orisha’s to do so.
Then there was the barrister; by this time I was tired A. F. You people that are serial daters or go from one relationship to the next how on earth do you do it? I wanna know? This ish is tiring!!! Sustaining contact, trying to stop your nosey child from reading texts over your shoulder, making sure your twist out is fly, actually leaving your house, meeting people ON A SCHOOL NIGHT, arranging child care… It’s a lot! Seriously it’s like a job. We live in an insta generation where people think that it is their right to have constant communication with people and get upset if you don’t respond before they’ve pressed send! This is not a Drake song I have things to do!! By the time I was meeting the barrister I had decided that dating apps were not for me they require a lot of work and perpetuate a humans are disposable culture. I met the barrister as I had agreed to but knew that whatever happened on this date this would be my last foray with this app.
This date actually turned out to be good. We were together for about 6 months, but dating a barrister is challenging, dating a barrister with baggage nah wahala. My life is wahala free so unless you are enhancing you gadda go! I might write about it one day.
I know a few people that have had successful relationships via apps and dating sites and have read about many marriages. It’s just not something that is for me.
Have you had any online/ dating app experiences? How did it work out for you?