Guest Post: Step Mum vs. Bio Mum

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Today we have a guest post about being a stepmother by Priscilla Appeaning.  I read the post and chuckled; family life can be challenging, these challenges can become dramatic when the family is blended and there is a step mother who pushes against reality instead of embracing it.  As I read this post I thought only Nene Leakes will do!  Nene GIFs sum up drama like no other.  Please do not ask me what Nene Leakes is in and what her talents are other than the sweetest shade because I don’t watch house wife reality tv however, I live for Nene memes!

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On a serious note Priscilla Appeaning has a blog called Unsettled Mum where she blogs about her journey to achieving greatness, marriage, motherhood, being a step mother and anything else that floats her boat.  You can check out Priscilla’s blog here.

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On my blog I’ve already touched on the subject of being a step mum in a less direct/personal manner but stuff has happened that has made me want to speak on a more personal level

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Let me be absolutely real yeah?! Sometimes being a step mum sucks (let the judgement begin, I don’t actually mind). I’ll tell you why though; one reason is obviously because of my step kids. In the same way I can and do say that my bio kids drive me nutty is the same way I’m telling you point-blank that my step kids drive me nutty. The only difference  is I can scream at my kids till I’m satisfied  I’ve released all my tension.  With my step kids however, I have to refer back to their dad because I get it, I wouldn’t want anyone shouting at my kids for whatever reason so I wouldn’t do it to someone else’s. This is not the meat of this blog though.

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The BIO MUM!

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First off neither man nor woman in this world grows up saying I want to be a step parent but, life happens and I can accept or reject what it throws at me. Life has thrown me a bio mum that decided to see me as an enemy right of the bat. Why I hear you ask? I don’t actually know but I can hazard a guess…

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  1. She wants the fella back, my response is over my dead body and I plan to be here until till he dies ya dig?!
  2. She’s jealous of me, my response is I understand if you are jealous of my set up and I my role as the mummy bear but you can’t be jealous of me per se because you don’t know me.
  3. She’s crazy and loves drama, I have no response. *side eyes* 👀

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Regardless what the reason could be all I can be sure of is what I would love to say if given the chance…

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  • In my household my rules reign so do not fill your child with rules and regulations when they are coming over
  • Your child is not just his father’s responsibility when he is in our home.  He’s my responsibility too whether you like it or not and I don’t take that lightly
  • I absolutely dislike you too but will be absolutely civil not only because I am a grown up but because my peace will not be shaken.
  • This is not a competition – don’t ever try to ‘one up” me or the child’s father because no one over here is playing your game
  • I AM NOT AND WILL NEVER TRY OR MAKE IT SEEM LIKE I AM TRYING TO REPLACE YOU. I’m cool being the step parent being addressed as Aunty.
  • Your child has a Step mum, get over it!
  • Respect my husband

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But alas I remain silent as is expected and swallow the BS I hear in between pickups and drop offs albeit sometimes funny. I do this because I love my husband very much and even though all of me wants to take a trip to petty-land, I stay on track to avoid making life harder for him when entering exchanges with her. I actually pride myself on being blameless. Most of all I remain silent because we have some things in common…

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I have biological children too and if I was to put myself in her shoes I’d be über sensitive as well, I do get it. Why would any woman want a woman they don’t know and didn’t choose to be a part of their child’s life, partaking in affection, achievements and family moments? No woman that’s who but as I said before life happens and this dear you can’t reject.

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It sucks for the bio mum but the best way to deal with it is to stop fighting against the tide and ride the waves because I am bloody amazing and here to stay forever and a day.

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Let’s talk again soon,

Cilla xx

16 Responses
  • Sareta
    September 4, 2017

    So I’m a bio mum who’s eldest has a ‘step mum’ DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN! I put Step Mum in brackets as she doesn’t seem to want anything to do with my son. I find it so strange that a woman can plan to marry a man who has a child (that he sees fortnightly) and not have anything to do with him.
    They recently went away for a couple of days and she didn’t go with them. My son says that he doesn’t really have a relationship with her and that he doesn’t really know her. Again strange, this woman has been in my sons life (athough distantly) for roughly 6 years.
    In reality I’m not a jealous person, nor do I feel the need to dislike her in anyway. After asking to meet the person I thought would be in my sons life as a fortnightly mother hen… I realised she wasn’t that chick.
    I really would feel sort of happy/relieved that there was another person- a type of parent that would be there for my son when he’s away for those two days. It would be amazing for him to have another parent. But unfortunately that’s not the case.

    • Motherhood Reconstructed
      September 4, 2017

      Thats sad she’s missing out… I wonder what she thought when she met your son’s father?? Anyway I’ll be a great mother in law so whatevs! 🙂

      • Sareta
        September 4, 2017

        Loooool, yes you will so it’s all good!

    • Cilla (Unsettled Mum)
      September 8, 2017

      Girl! I wish i had a bio mum in my life that thought like you. Like i feed your child and take him out and generally look after him as my own, why wouldnt you want me to be your team mate if not friend. Why cant we just do this together because like it or not my step kids are now my kids. My hubby is a step dad to my daughter but he has a easy ride because bio dad is MIA. I dont wish bio wasnt around but God i wish she wasnt so mean to my hubby and i. She wont even meet me. Its been 3 yrs… sigh i could go on but let me not. Thanks for readying mamma Xx

      • Motherhood Reconstructed
        September 8, 2017

        Hi Cilla,

        SAY WHAT? I can’t imagine not knowing the person that is parenting my child. Even if I didn’t like you the fact that you care for my child and our children are siblings… the bio mum would think she is my BFF! I wish I could insert a twirl on your haters gif!

        MR x

  • Yvadney @ Mums That Slay
    September 2, 2017

    I can’t relate to this post, but I can fully appreciate how complicado extended families can be. A friend of mine is the bio mum and was able to turn her sour relationship with the step-mum to one of almost sisters, much to her exes disdain. Hope this family can make it too. Sisterhood, motherhood and that. great post regardless. #NeneForever

    • Motherhood Reconstructed
      September 4, 2017

      #NeneRocks and yes to sister/motherhood its a missed opportunity. Thanks for reading and commenting x

  • Vean
    September 1, 2017

    Enjoyed reading the post. I too am a stepmum Man we’ve been on a journey!

    Like the writer I’ve had issues with the ‘bio’ mum, unlike her however I was never able to stay silent or blameless, believe me we have exchanged angry words.

    I’m going to take this post as tongue in cheek though because I’m sure every step mum has had a convo like this with her girlfriends. what is clear though is the anger live and kicking in this post. Like most writers who use words to self soothe I see this post as a frustrated step mum who needed to vent. I’d hope one day both bio and step mum can find peace.

    My step son now 18 has experienced all the feels of this 11 year journey. I wish some things he didn’t have to but we live and learn. I have no animosity towards my bio mum. We are big women who just had to ‘get over it’. I hope this family can find their peace if only for the sake of the kids.

    • Motherhood Reconstructed
      September 1, 2017

      Hi Vean,

      We couldn’t have said it better! We hope they can find peace too, they could probably really support each other.

      MR

    • Cilla (Unsettled Mum)
      September 1, 2017

      Sigh, if was defo a vent. In the three years of being a stepmum ive taking alot back to back but the last situation was a WOW and i needed to let it out in a way that didnt rock the peace of my family.

      But yes.. praying for better days as it truly doesnt make sense that id have a relationship with my stepkids and not with their mums. Im down for women open to supporting other women.

      Thank you for your input Xxx

  • Claudette
    September 1, 2017

    I cackled as I read this post. Some ‘bio’ mum’s are a lot to contend with! Thanks for some lighthearted fun on Friday afternoon whilst time drags in this damn aircon office!

    • Motherhood Reconstructed
      September 1, 2017

      Hi Claudette,

      Thank you for reading and commenting. The post deffo made us smile and whats up with the aircon it’s necessary sometimes but mostly its just cold and gives me a stiff neck!

      MR

    • Cilla (Unsettled Mum)
      September 1, 2017

      Thank you for reading! Glad it gave you a giggle! Xx

  • Tracy
    September 1, 2017

    You sound exactly like the stereotypical step-mother – horrible. This post reveal your disdain for the mother of your husband’s children.

    You need to be less arrogant “I’ll be here forever” – they weren’t together forever and I’m sure you’ve had previous relationships that didn’t last. You sound so petty, I’d hate to be your step children.

    You started off with a horrible tone and ended right on one. You said you don’t like the mother either, but I think you too may be jealous of her. Yes jealous of her. Jealous of the fact that she gave him children before you, that he once loved her, that her children are apart of her and that you have to share your husband. She may well be a bi*ch but I haven’t heard her tone, only yours. Perhaps you need to do some introspection.

    • Motherhood Reconstructed
      September 1, 2017

      Hi Tracy,

      Thank you for reading and commenting so candidly. We hope that more people comment, would interesting to see more perspectives.

      MR.

    • Cilla (Unsettled Mum)
      September 1, 2017

      Hey Tracey. Completely understand how youve read into the post. I get where you are coming from only reading a vague snippet of what life for me as a stepmum is like and not being able to see why i used this post to vent.

      Thank you for reading and sharing your veiw point. I love straight up women! #Real

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